The REAL Reason Orochimaru Left The Akatsuki
by Ulkira
Summary: We all know that Itachi was the cause of Orochimaru's departure from Akatsuki. But what exactly did Itachi do to make Orochimaru leave?


**Disclaimer: Naruto is the sole property of Masashi Kishimoto and TV Tokyo. I do not claim any ownership.**

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><p><strong>The REAL Reason Orochimaru Left The Akatsuki<strong>

The Akatsuki: An EVIL organization with an equally EVIL objective! Of course, since they're so secretive, there's no way of knowing what their objective is. Unless you go read it on Wikipedia, that is. But then, that would be cheating.

Anyway, on one dark and stormy night (because it wouldn't be evil if it wasn't a dark and stormy night), back when Orochimaru was still a member of the Akatsuki, all the members of the organization were sitting in the lounge of their main hideout. After a long day of evil activities including prank calls, wedgies, kicking puppies, and not eating their vegetables (GASP! EVIL!), the team had decided to relax and watch some TV. Unfortunately, being evil meant they couldn't afford cable (Hey, crime doesn't pay, remember?), so they had nothing to watch except a cooking special on making shark fin soup. Needless to say, Kisame felt violated.

Itachi yawned widely and leaned back in his seat between Orochimaru and Kisame. "Dammit, I'm bored. And hungry." He turned to Orochimaru and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, Orochimaru, go get me a sandwich. With extra pickles this time."

"Go get your own damn sandwich, Itachi," Orochimaru answered irritably with a wave of his hand, his eyes still glued to the television. "I'm busy learning how to cook Kisame!"

"Hey!" exclaimed Kisame in an injured voice, sitting up in his seat.

"What's the point?" Kakuzu began from his_ very_ comfy and _very_ expensive armchair. What? Just because he was a cheapskate didn't mean he was a Spartan. "I bet he'd taste awful!"

"Hey!"

"Personally, I'd kill for a bowl of shark fin soup now that I've seen this," Pain remarked, indicating the show they were watching. Beside him, Konan nodded in agreement.

"Hey!"

"I'll eat anything I can kill," Zetsu put forth delightedly from beside the television.

"Hey - Oh wait."

"Except Kisame. He smells fishy."

"Hey!"

A chorus of laughter erupted in the room. Kisame rose to his feet in anger, grinding his, er, shark-like teeth together. "Alright, that's it! I've had enough! First you guys keep saying that Iruka can kick my ass, and now you all want to cook me?"

"Well, your name means "shark" and Iruka's means "dolphin", and everyone knows that dolphins beat sharks," stated (who should we go with? Eh, whatever, just insert your favorite Akatsuki member's name here) matter-of-factly. Kisame clamped his hands on his ears and ran out of the room shouting: "LALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! LALALA!"

They all looked at each other for a few seconds after Kisame's departure, until Itachi turned back to Orochimaru. "Orochimaru, get me my sandwich, or else I'll be forced to unleash my awesomeness upon you," he threatened as his Sharingan activated.

Orochimaru, noticing this, puffed out his chest and replied bravely, "I'm not afraid of you and your Sharingan, Itachi!"

"Oh, aren't you?" challenged Itachi, looking into Orochimaru's eyes fiercely. The snake-man glared back just as intensely. Noticing this sudden developement, the remaining members turned to witness the epic staring contest.

A minute passed in silence, then Orochimaru suddenly shivered and mumbled in a trembling voice, "I-I'll get y-your sandwich." He hurried into to the kitchen.

"What did you make him see with your Genjutsu, Itachi?" Kisame asked eagerly, popping his head out from the back of the couch. Itachi jumped and glanced back at Kisame.

"When did you get here?" he asked in surprise. "I thought you ran away?"

Kisame shrugged. "I got lonely. So anyway, what'd you make him see?"

Itachi turned back to the TV, a smug look on his face. "That I shaved him bald while he was asleep."

"And that worked?"

"Apparently."

In the kitchen, Orochimaru was crouched in a corner, gently stroking his long black hair. "Don't worry, Precious, I won't ever let him harm you," he murmured reassuringly, his voice raspy and scratchy as he continued to stroke his hair lovingly, a crazed look on his white face. "Yeeesss, that's it, Precious. Don't worry, everything will be alright…"

He coughed violently all of a sudden. _Gah, my throat! How does Gollum do it? _

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><p><em>The next day...<em>

Orochimaru and Sasori (hidden inside his Hiruko puppet) were slowly walking down the corridor, discussing tactics for their next super-ultra-awesome-chocolaty mission of EVIL. As they turned a corner, Orochimaru walked smack into Itachi. The Uchiha smirked when he saw the snake-man.

"Ah, Orochimaru, there you are," he said with a nod of his head. "I need you to go do the laundry, its piling up. I'm almost out of clean underwear."

Orochimaru grimaced. "You know it's your turn today, Itachi, not mine. Go put those pretty little hands of yours to use!"

Itachi looked horrified. "And risk ruining my nail polish and perfect manicure? Never!"

"Perfect? As if!" Orochimaru chortled skeptically. "Everyone knows that I'm the best-looking in the Akatsuki! Behold, gentlemen!" He stuck his hands out for Itachi and Sasori to see, wiggling his perfectly-manicured fingers. "This is True Perfection! No one alive can beat _my_ amazing nail polishing skills!"

"'Nail polishing skills', eh?" Sasori repeated smugly. "That's a pretty feminine skill, you know…"

Pause.

Itachi coughed slightly to stop his laughter. Orochimaru turned to him with a glare and pointed an accusing finger. "You sneaky weasel! You tricked me into making a fool out of myself!" he cried angrily.

"Did I really? Wow, I must be more epic than I imagined," Itachi laughed. "Who'd have thought that was even possible? Anyway, moving on to the case of my dirty underwear…" Once more, Itachi activated his Sharingan and slowly gazed at Orochimaru.

The snake-man quickly covered his eyes with his hands. A second later, he peeked through his fingers and glanced around. Smirking, he pointed triumphantly at Itachi. "Hah-HAH! Looks like your Genjutsu didn't work this time!" He stuck his tongue out at the Uchiha and blew a raspberry.

Then...

"Do you smell something burning?" Sasori asked suddenly.

"Yeah," replied Orochimaru as he stopped taunting Itachi and began sniffing the air. "It kind of smells like…. burning cloth?" He looked around in confusion, then behind himself. He then yelled out loud.

"Aaahh! Aaahh! My butt's on fire! My butt's on fire! Help! Help!" He ran down the corridor, screaming like an idiot with his butt alight in black flames.

Itachi whistled innocently.

"My ass is really burning hot, guys!"

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><p><em>The next week...<em>

"Get away from me, Orochimaru," muttered an irritated Sasori. "It's your birthday. Go steal candy from a baby, or whatever else you're good at."

Orochimaru, who was hiding behind Hiruko's bulk, squeaked in a terrified voice: "But if I come out from behind my cover, Itachi might see me and go all Sharingan on me! He keeps torturing me, just because I tried to steal his body and rob him off his free will so that I could accomplish my goal of learning all Jutsu through my twisted experiments which was born out of the fact that I lost my parents at a young age and have an unnatural fixation towards snakes." He glanced at Sasori in confusion. "I mean, jeez! It's not like I'm a weirdo or something!"

Sasori shook his head and tired to free himself from Orochimaru's clutches. "C'mon, stop being such a baby! I'm sure Itachi's already forgotten about your disturbing fetish for possessing bodies."

Orochimaru flared up. "It's not disturbing! Err, I mean, it's not a fetish! Besides," he suddenly lowered his voice to a whisper, glancing over his shoulder as if he was making sure they were alone, "you know Itachi's not so forgiving. He's EVIL, EVIL I tell ya! Kisame's told me things about him which even _I_ think are twisted!"

"What kind of things?" Sasori asked eagerly, forgetting that he was trying to get rid of Orochimaru and not feed his paranoia. It wasn't everyday you got to hear how awesome Itachi was.

…

…

…

… Alright fine, so you did get to hear how awesome Itachi was everyday, from everyone. That powerful bastard.

"Oh yeah, he's done some scary things, Itachi has." Orochimaru nodded his head quickly, a knowing look appearing in his eyes. "He's the evilestest of us all, even more than Lord Pain. Itachi's so evil, he'll break your PS3 and then get you your favorite game to play on it, but you can't play it because he broke your PS3! He's so evil that he can listen to a Justin Beiber song and _not_ have his brain explode from the torturous experience! He's so evil that he'll even go into a clothes shop and _get some new clothes_!"

"That last one doesn't sound so evil."

"_Without paying!_"

Sasori gasped dramatically. "Such evil!"

Orochimaru shook his head slowly. "Yep, it is."

A moment of silence passed between the two Akatsuki members as they thought over Orochimaru's words.

"So, are you going to leave me alone now?" Sasori asked suddenly and hopefully.

Orochimaru stared at him like he was insane. "No way! There's no way I'm risking running into Itachi when he's after me!" He ducked behind Sasori's wooden frame and glanced around with a crazed, paranoid expression on his face. "My only chance for survival is to hide behind your fat, ugly body!"

"Oh, for cryin' out loud!" exclaimed Sasori with an exasperated roll of his eyes. "I'm sure Itachi won't try to kil - Hey, wait a minute! Who you callin' fat and ugly, you wuss?" Sasori began pummeling Orochimaru with his scorpion tail. Orochimaru leaped out from behind Sasori to dodge the punishing strikes.

At that very moment, Itachi stepped into the room. Glancing around, the Uchiha spotted Orochimaru and walked over to him. "Hi, Orochimaru!" he exclaimed, a huge grin plastered across his face as he positively beamed at his comrades.

If anything, this seemed to scare Orochimaru more than Itachi's Sharingan.

"Noooo! Itachi's smiling at me! I'm doomed! I'm gonna die!"

"Shut up, Orochimaru," snapped Sasori as his partner once more ducked behind him for cover. "There's nothing wrong about Itachi smiling… Wait, never mind, there is something _very_ wrong about Itachi smiling." Sasori shuddered visibly, and then turned to Orochimaru, who was lying on the floor in a fetal position. "But just get up and face him like a man, you coward!"

_Honestly, if I ever get a new partner, I hope he's more of man than Orochimaru is_, Sasori thought irritably. (Oh, sweet IRONY!)

"O-Okay," mumbled Orochimaru nervously, his entire body trembling as he peeked over Sasori to look at the grinning Itachi. "S-so, what do you want, I-Itachi?" he asked in an unconvincing attempt at a brave voice.

Itachi's grin widened even further as he slowly pulled a box out of his cloak. "I'm going to give you a taste of the Sharingan," he replied in a delighted voice, holding the box up at Orochimaru.

"A ta-taste of the Sh-Sharingan?" repeated a terrified Orochimaru, his eyes widening.

"Yes," answered Itachi, the Sharingan in his eyes sparkling.

"AAAAHHHH! AAAAAHHHHHH! ITACHI'S GONNA KILL ME! AAAAHHHHH!" Orochimaru screamed as he bolted towards the door, away from Itachi. "I QUIT! I QUIT! THIS JOB'S NOT WORTH IT!"

At that moment he bumped into Pain as he stepped into the room, knocking the leader to the ground.

"What the hell're you screaming about?" demanded Pain in annoyance, getting up from the floor.

"Itachi's _smiling_!" shrieked Orochimaru, pointing dramatically at the beaming Itachi. "That means he's gonna kill me! Because he's EEEVILLLL!" Without another word, he pulled off his Akatuski cloak and threw it at Pain, who yanked it off with a revolted: "Eeewww! Orochimaru's germs! Now I'm gonna have to burn this body!"

"I quit! I'm through! I'm finished!" Orochimaru yelled. "Sayonara, suckers! Freedom!" And he ran out the door as if the hounds hell were at his feet, still screaming at the top of his lungs.

Pain stood there, confused and highly disturbed as he stared at the door. Then he turned in wonder to Itachi, who now looked crestfallen.

"I was just giving him his birthday cake!" he lamented, flipping open the box and showing its contents. Inside was a spherical vanilla cake with a frosting Sharingan pattern at the top.

Pain smacked his palm against his face in annoyance.

**THE END**


End file.
